9 Month Update, no video, just me rambling

So, I have now been on hormone replacement therapy long enough for a woman to get pregnant, go through three trimesters, and give birth. Which, when you put it that way, seems like a long time. in 9 months a tiny little human being can be created... and I still can't grow a damn beard. I'm frustrated. Not only because I don't have a beard, but because my voice still does not always pass as male 100% of the time, and that being mixed with my chubby-baby face, is enough for a second glance and a second thought, which sometimes (more often than I am happy about) results in a "she," or "her." Not to mention, I am still running into people that may not know yet, or may have only vaguely heard about the fact that I no longer wish to be referred to by my old name, or pronouns, which is so frustrating, annoying, and draining. I'm sick of saying the same shit over and over again, and I'm sick of people either 1. not understanding the concept, or 2. understanding, but not willing to comply. I seriously get people that will say something like "*OLD NAME*!!! ...sorry, you'll always be *old name* to me." And I just want to say, "well then I'm sorry, you are now and will always be dead to me." I don't understand how it is so hard for people to see it as a form of respect. RESPECT ME. I try to be as respectful as I can to others, and I really feel like I deserve it back, is that too much to ask for? Apparently, yes.

I had a conversation with my mom the other night, and she was talking about one of her customers, and how they were inquiring about how her "daughter" is doing, out in Ohio. This tells me several things:
-My parents must not ever talk about me
-If they do talk about me, they aren't really talking about "me," which feels just the same as never being talked about
-My family is ashamed/embarassed to come out and tell their friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc. about having a transgender child
-I can't blame them, I would feel awkward/embarassed/etc if I were in their shoes
-My family loves me unconditionally, so I know it's not that they are ashamed of ME, but they have a strong want and need to be accepted by others, as do I (which is why I can't blame them) and they don't want to put themselves in a situation to jeopardize or compromise their work relationships, friend relationships, neighborhood relationships, etc.

After she said her customer asked about me, she went on to say that this lady asked if I had a boyfriend, in reply, my mom told her that I in fact, have a girlfriend. She said this lady instantly became uncomfortable and awkward and ended the conversation quickly by changing the subject. And this is her reaction, assuming I was a female, with another female. Which is obviously why my mom did not continue on telling her that I was not gay, but transgender. I usually keep most of my feelings to myself, but in this case, I decided to put my two cents out there, and tell my mom how frustrating it is for me, to be more or less, left in the dark. They never get to boast about me, or talk about my accomplishments, or how my life is going, or what I have been doing with any of the people they know because they don't want questions to arise. I just hate being on the back burner. My brother is talked about all the time, everyone that knows my parents know quite a bit about Tim, a minimal amount about *old name*, but know nothing about Tyler. I wonder if, or when this will ever change? =/

I didn't even make a video this month, I don't see much of a reason. No new changes have come other than I have a large amount of facial hair coming in... out of my nostrils! lol.

Merry Christmas everyone, and happy New Year! I will update again in January...

8 Month Update

Every time I make an attempt to start writing an excerpt for this blog, I come down with a severe case of writers block. It seems that day to day I think of millions of things to blog about, transition related or not, but when it comes time to actually type it out I can't remember a single thing that I want to actually put in a blog to remember forever.

 

It's mid November, winter finally showed up in Ohio today. No snow yet but within the next several days we are expected to get some, yay. (Sarcasm.) Although, I am a little excited, I will get to try out my new 4WD! =) So, I have now officially been on T for 8 months and to be honest, when I look at my comparison pictures (from March till now) I really don't see a difference, other than my hair cut. Is it just me? Is it because I see myself every day, that I cannot see the slight changes? No one else has mentioned or brought up anything in these past 8 months to make me think that they have noticed either. It's disappointing. Especially because there are other guys that have been on T for a less amount of time that already have a full face of hair, or their voice is deeper, or they just seem more manly, if that makes sense. I'm at the point where I feel jealous, but on the other hand I feel fortunate. I guess all I have is time, so there is no need to rush the progression. If it's meant to be, it will be. Or at least, that is what I keep telling myself to keep from going crazy.

 

 

So of course, here is my comparison pics, and here is a new video. Enjoy!

 



8 MONTHS                          DAY 1             

 

 



 

Seven Month Update... it's been a while!

I know, I know, it has been a LONG time since I have updated here! I still made a few videos since the last blog post, I have just been so busy with work lately it's been a little ridiculous. Last month was my birthday, 29 years old, wow. Time sure does fly, it still feels like just a day or 2 ago I started T and it's already been 7 and a half months! I am finally starting to grow noticeable chin hairs (yay!) and leg hair is still coming in more and more every day. I've also noticed my voice drop again within the last month or 2. I've also been gaining weight (not the good weight) which sucks, that is one side affect I'm not too happy about hah. Oh well, I really just need to get my lazy ass back into working out and I'm sure I can lose it quickly. Also I have noticed within the past couple months, I have been experiencing horrible headaches. Not sure if it is T related or could just be the changing of seasons and temperatures and whatnot. I just wanted to note that so I can reflect on it in my next update..


*Non-transition related update: I bought a new truck!! B-day gift to myself that I'll be paying for for the next 6 years haha, but I'm super happy with it. #upgrade

Alright, here's a video.

5.5 Months on T- up my dose!

Yesterday, August 13th, 2014, I went to see my endocrinologist for my 6 month check up (a little early.) I was so happy to find out that she in fact did prescribe me 0.2ml per week injections and my pharmacy messed up and printed 0.1ml on my bottle. So... luckily, although this is not something I'm entirely proud of, or recommend... I couldn't even pull only 0.1 into the syringe, so most weeks I was actually injecting 0.2 anyway. But as of yesterday, I have been bumped up to .4ml per week :] I'm so stoked, I think a lot of the changes I have been waiting to see are going to start happening a lot more rapidly. I'm seeing a little bit more hair coming in on my chin, however it is still blonde and very thin. Here's a picture, I shaved about 4-5 days ago, although you really can't see much still lol.

I also made another quick video about my appointment with my endo, and just a general life update because yesterday was a pretty good day. :]

Five Months on Testosterone (5 months on T)

Here is a quick update for August 8 (although I'm writing, and posting this on my blog on the 9th.). I cover quite a bit in the video,  I also ramble a little bit too much, so I'm sorry it's kind of a longer video. I'm all-in-all pretty happy at this moment in my life. I do, however, seem to hear from my girlfriend more frequently that I can be quite an asshole. I also notice that I am much more quick to speak my mind (usually when I should just keep quiet), and more often than not, I speak my mind in a far more aggressive/angry manner than I normally would. I don't necessarily think this does or does not have anything to do with, or is a side effect of being on testosterone. I don't have an explanation to be honest, I just know that I'm noticing it, and that I want to point it out at this time, to look back on.



After watching this video back I realized that maybe my voice did get a little deeper, but still..



 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 1                      Day 99                   Day 158

   

 

I Declare...

Just a quick little update video to document some exciting happenings this week :]

3 (Three) Months on Testosterone Update

It has been quite a while since I have posted anything on here, or made a video... but today I am doing both! I'm proud to say I have officially been taking testosterone hormone replacement therapy for 3 months and 6 days. Today, June 11th, I filed for my name change, you can hear more about that in the video,  but I already heard back from them and my court date is July 31st... I can't wait :) Things have been going pretty great in all aspects of my life right now; family, girlfriend, health and wellness, financial, work, and leisure. I'm just enjoying one day at a time, noticing each and every small change as I shift into the body my soul has longed to be living in for such a long time. I feel so grateful, privileged, proud, and impressed.



 

DAY NINETY-NINE

1.5 (1 and 1/2) Months on T update





Once again, I have a video to share but haven't had much time to sit down and write some of my thoughts and experiences, which is why I made a blog instead of a youtube channel, but I guess this will do for now.

 

One Month on Testosterone

I really wanted to blog more about my first month on T, however... I have been too busy to think about what to write, let alone actually write. So here's a video!

100%

It's finally my time to give my 100% at something I'm passionate about. I always bitch and complain about humans never giving 100% effort in the things they do, and I refuse to be a hypocrite; so this is my pledge. I pledge to give 100% effort in my transition. March 5, 2014 my life changed forever. The man I am inside is finally able to shine through, and I want to make sure he shines through brighter than the sun.

I'm so anxious to see the changes that are coming. All I can do now is take care of myself the best way possible, by eating foods that will nourish my body and enhance the changes that my new hormones are bringing out. I'm also focused on exercise and getting myself into the best shape of my life. I can't even describe how good it feels to not only say these things, but to know that I am now living my dream.

DAY ONE

MEASUREMENTS:

(in inches)

Head: 21 1/4

Neck: 13 3/8

Arms:

        Left Bicep: 12 3/4

        Left Forearm: 10 3/8

        Left Wrist: 6 1/4

        Right Bicep: 13 3/4

        Right Forearm: 10 7/16

        Right Wrist: 6 1/4

Chest: 38 1/2

Waist: 41 1/2

Hips: 38 1/2

Legs:

        Left Thigh: 22 3/4

        Left Calf: 15 3/16

        Left Foot: 9 3/8

        Right Thigh: 21 7/8

        Right Calf: 11 3/4

        Right Foot: 9 9/16

letter to mom and dad

This is a letter I recently built up enough courage to send to my parents, which I will also use as a preface to this blog about me.

Hey Mom and Dad,

I know it's probably a little strange to be getting a letter from me, considering this is probably the first one I have written to you, or at least the first in a long time. I love and miss you guys so much! I just want you both to know that you are my idols, I look up to you both, still, as role models and positive influences in every instance of my daily life. WIthout having such great parents I don't think I would be the great person that I am today.

I feel like it is safe to say that you both know me better than any other person on this earth, you have known me since the very first day I was born and no matter how far apart we are you will always be the closest to me. Because we are close, I care about your opinions more than anyone else's. Obviously though, every kid wants their parents to be proud of them; to feel accepted, and loved. This is why it's sometimes difficult to tell you, or talk to you, about what is going on in my life, and I know I have never been good at it. I wish I would have always been more open and honest with you, I wish when I was younger we had more communication in our relationship, but I know that was partially my fault as well. 

You've always said I was such a happy kid growing up, and looking back, I can remember I was so happy. That's because up until the age of about 11 or 12 years old, I was completely myself. There really aren't that many differences between little boys and little girls before that age, and what few differences there are (clothes, hair, preference in movies, tv shows, and toys, etc) I would definetly be categorized as a boy. I can still remember telling people my name was Tim, and how happy that made me. I can also remember going to a grocery store or a gas station and someone asking you how old your sons are. That also made me happy. When you're that young though, you don't think much about why it makes you happy, it doesn't really cross your mind.

Once I got into middle school is when things started to really change. Can't you remember how much I loved playing basketball, soccer, and baseball? And not only did I love it, but I was pretty good at all of them.. except maybe soccer haha. But at that age, I was no longer allowed to play with the boys. That's why I quit. I didn't want to play sports with girls, I knew I was better than all of them, and besides, I genuinely enjoyed playing with the guys. This is also the age where everyone in school, all of the girls, started caring sooo much about boys, woo hoo how exciting! Dances, and skate nights and movie dates.. and of course, I wanted to be a part of all of this. So it was time for a change. I was a girl, that's what everyone said, and of course, that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror so why would I think any differently? I didn't want to be a weirdo, or an outcast, I wanted to fit in with my friends so I can remember mom taking me to the girls clothes store by Lester's in Gig Harbor and I picked out my first pair of girls jeans, along with girls shirts and sweaters and even a pair of girls khakis. From this point on I wanted to be liked just as much as any other girl in school.. I wanted to fit in.

So naturally, having the great personality and amazing sense of humor that I do (thanks to you! haha ;), I was fitting in just fine in school but I was most of the time miserable with myself. I missed Bruce, and Niki, and Mark, and all my buddies that no longer wanted to be my friend because I was a girl and they had new, cooler, guy friends now. I think as time went on I adjusted, and went into high school I became more and more comfortable with being "myself" or who I thought I was. But during this time as I am sure you probably know, I was basically addicted to being on the internet. I lived an alternate life online, I lied to everyone I "knew" and told them I was a guy. Please understand, I didn't fully understand or get why I was doing what I was doing at the time, but looking back, I can imagine that this was my escape. This was not me lying but my chance to be myself, and be treated the way I wanted to be treated by others. 

I guess you could say at one point in my adolescent life, sometime in my senior year, in an attempt to join my online life and my real life, I finally told Mandy that I was actually a girl.. and at the same time I told all of my school friends that I was dating a girl, and therefore I must be a lesbian. I have NEVER been comfortable saying "I am a lesbian." Ew. It just doesn't sound right. But hey.. this was my thought process: I've tried dating guys and it doesn't work. I've been a tomboy my whole life. I am physically attracted to girls. I'm a girl, unfortunately. I must be gay! So for a while I felt like I was finally coming into my own, Mandy accepted me for who I was, and my friends acted as if they already knew I was gay before I even told them, so I was finally comfortable. For a while.

But still, every single day I hope I wake up tomorrow in a different body. Although, 28 years now... I'm kinda sensing it's not going to happen. Throughout the years, in getting to know and talk to the different girls I have dated, and different girls I have met that refer to themselves as "lesbian" or "gay" there are virtually none that have the same outlook and feeling as I do. A lesbian is comfortable being female, with another female. It may sound ridiculous coming from me... but I do not necessarily think that this is an ideal or functional relationship. Which is why I have battled in my own mind for so long about how I can have the feelings I have, and live the life that I live. But I am, and I do. I'm here, living, breathing, and I feel the way that I feel. 

For a long time I felt lost, wondering, am I really the only lesbian in the world that just wishes they could have been born a male so they could live a regualr life and have a family, and their male friends, and the responsibility and all the negatives and positives that come with being a guy? And then one day, my mind was blown. I don't even know what it was, but there was a special on TV about this short redhead guy named Trevor. Trevor was transgender. I didn't even know what that meant, but I knew that Trevor was on a testosterone hormone replacement therapy and he was born a female. This was so interesting to me. I was literally hearing that my dream of waking up in a different body could possibly be true. To me, that means I can finally look like myself. All of my thought cards started falling into place and things were making a little bit more sense.

Being transgender is completely different than being gay. I know now that the issues I was having within myself were not about my sexual preference but about my gender orientation. I wish you could understand what it's like to wake up every day and feel like you are being fake to everyone. I just want you both to know that it's not a "choice" ya know, nobody decides to live a crappy life where they constantly feel awkward and like they can't be seen as themselves, even around people that love them. I have known for quite a while now that I'm not a lesbian, I'm not gay, I'm not a homosexual. I'm a heterosexual male. I have actually been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder which basically means I was born in the wrong body. It's hard to tell you this because I don't know how you're going to react. I don't want you to be mad or to think you are to blame in any way. I know deep down that I was born this way. There's nothing that could have changed it.

I'm writing this letter to you both to ask for your acceptance, and support. I need your help to continue on my journey. I don't want you to think you are losing a child, but merely a habit. I just want you to see me as your son, Tyler. You are simply replacing a name with a name, and "daughter" with "son". It's still me. I'm the same person. And I think in time you will realize that (birth name) is not the right name for your first SON anyway. 

I love you both, and I don't want this to be something that we just sweep under the rug and not talk about. If you have anything you want to say, or ask me, please do.

Love your son,

Tyler