This blog sheds a lot of light on just how much of a slacker I am, or procrastinator. Or maybe a little of both (or a lot of both.) I have to defend myself and say, I have made 2-3 videos during this 4 month hiatus, and I've attempted to upload them, on several occasions. But I've been in a sort of slump when it comes to talking about, or getting excited about my transition lately. It's a little to do with an encounter I had with my younger brother shortly after our family vacation in April, where I spent some time with Amber, my mom, dad, brother, and his girlfriend in Chicago with a lot of our extended family. It also may subconsciously have to do with the fact that I posted this blog on my facebook to celebrate my one year on T video with friends and family, and now I'm aware/fearful that anyone at any time can look this up and read my feelings, at their own convenience. Not that I'm afraid to express my true self, I think it's just that now I am more cautious of what I will say/write here, which in turn, leaves me with not much to say at all.
On that note, however, I feel it is time for an update! Today's July 5th, a day after America's day of Independence, happy birthday America. I had a nice, relaxing weekend. Amber and I stayed local and watched the Madison County firework show here in London, from my work. I got eaten alive by mosquitoes in the 20 mins we were outside near the brush, haha. I guess I have sweet blood?
Since this is a blog to track my transition, I feel I should at least touch base and state some changes in the last 4 months. My facial hair is definitely still progressing... but still rather slowly. My legs are hairy as hell, along with my forearms, back, etc. Hair everywhere! I feel like most physical changes are coming closer to a plateau, and now the things I notice more often are internal, thoughts and feelings. My voice has deepened slightly still, I believe. You can be the judge of that, here's a video.
So now, a month later, August 5th. Maybe I will actually post this update. I logged in to make a post, and found that I still had a draft from a month ago that I never posted. Which goes to show, I really have been reluctant to post anything on here, and I'm still not sure why. I guess I've just bee caught up with living instead of just blogging about it, which I won't apologize for. So finally, here is a video.
Wow, I can't believe one year has already come and gone.. time sure does fly! I spent all Sunday this past weekend working on my "one year video" and I was so happy. Just to think, for so many years I have been sitting at my computer, or looking at my phone, watching other guys "one year video"'s and thinking "God, I can't wait till I can say I have been on T for a year." And now here I am, posting my very own video. That in itself feels like such an accomplishment. So, here it is.... my one year on testosterone video :]
Eleven months!! I can't believe I'm so close to the one year mark. It's really bittersweet, to think that just a year ago my life was so much different. I woke up this morning like any other morning, I took a shower and brushed my teeth, and shaved my face. I shaved my face because I actually HAD to.. and I thought; this is fucking great. haha. Seriously. It's the little things. I listened to my voice comparisons from last year till now and WOW, what a change. I'm happy I can look back and see a difference, finally.
So I know I said it before, but this year I really do want to put more focus and emphasis on being healthy, and active. Now that I'm actually seeing my physical changes, I have noticed more of a "connection" with my body. I feel like for most of my life I have disassociated my mind from my body, I never thought much about it, or even looked at it, because honestly, it's always disgusted me. I've never been interested in trying to gain muscle or lose fat because I've always had in the back of my mind, "no matter how much you work at looking better, you'll still look horrible." But that feeling is slowly drifting away, each time I look down and see my leg muscles flexing as I'm tying my shoe, or I walk by a mirror and see my neck muscles are clearly different than they used to be, a smile comes to my face as I am slowly getting used to the man I see. But now I'm feeling self conscious in a different way, for the first time I feel responsible for being weak, and for being fat, instead of being strong and fit, and I want to change that. I have let myself get so comfortable with the idea that "it's not my fault" because I was stuck with an outer shell that I could not make fit me no matter how hard I tried, and I really need to work on getting myself out of that mind set. I want to take ownership of myself, mind, and body; and I am not very happy with the body I own. Not because of the origination, but because like I said a moment ago, I am weak, and fat, and that doesn't look good on me haha. So here's to trying again. I can admit I failed, and I want to commit to being healthy and active again. :]
And of course, here's a video....
Since next month will be ONE YEAR I plan to post measurements again to compare to a year ago... exciting! haha ;]
Wow have I been slacking on updating this blog! I don't know why, I just seem to always get writers block when attempting an update. I have to say, there really hasn't been much positive to write about the past few months. Not that things have been horrible, I have just been feeling slightly down lately. And I know it is definitely transition related. I'm not happy with how slowly my changes are progressing. I'm still being misgendered, I'm still being looked down on, and looked passed. I am assuming that without even knowing it, I was banking on the fact that every single issue or problem I have had in life was without a doubt somehow related to or blamed on the fact that I was female. I'm beginning to think that is wrong. That simply letting the world know "hey, I'm a fucking GUY" is not enough to solve every problem. Because here I am, coming up on one full year of being on hormone replacement therapy, one full year of living openly as male, with a male name, and I still don't feel like the world sees me for me. I see myself in the mirror every day, and I don't feel that I look much different either. I do sound different, but also, to me, I have always been me. I don't see many changes because I have always seen the man underneath, but I don't understand how others don't see the changes, which makes me think they aren't happening, or at least not fast enough, or as drastically as I had hoped for. I'm so sick of dealing with the misgender assigning comments that come my way on a day to day basis, and even the people that say and act like "they get it" will surprise me out of nowhere with an off the wall comment or remark that just makes me think, "what the fuck, you do NOT get it, clearly." On one hand at the end of the day, I say fuck everyone, I don't care what they think or say about me. But on the other hand, I really do care what people think or say about me. I want to be accepted. Actually, I don't only want to be accepted, I want to be looked up to. I want to be someone that someone else wants to be for a change.
