This is a letter I recently built up enough courage to send to my parents, which I will also use as a preface to this blog about me.
Hey Mom and Dad,
I know it's probably a little strange to be getting a letter from me, considering this is probably the first one I have written to you, or at least the first in a long time. I love and miss you guys so much! I just want you both to know that you are my idols, I look up to you both, still, as role models and positive influences in every instance of my daily life. WIthout having such great parents I don't think I would be the great person that I am today.
I feel like it is safe to say that you both know me better than any other person on this earth, you have known me since the very first day I was born and no matter how far apart we are you will always be the closest to me. Because we are close, I care about your opinions more than anyone else's. Obviously though, every kid wants their parents to be proud of them; to feel accepted, and loved. This is why it's sometimes difficult to tell you, or talk to you, about what is going on in my life, and I know I have never been good at it. I wish I would have always been more open and honest with you, I wish when I was younger we had more communication in our relationship, but I know that was partially my fault as well.
You've always said I was such a happy kid growing up, and looking back, I can remember I was so happy. That's because up until the age of about 11 or 12 years old, I was completely myself. There really aren't that many differences between little boys and little girls before that age, and what few differences there are (clothes, hair, preference in movies, tv shows, and toys, etc) I would definetly be categorized as a boy. I can still remember telling people my name was Tim, and how happy that made me. I can also remember going to a grocery store or a gas station and someone asking you how old your sons are. That also made me happy. When you're that young though, you don't think much about why it makes you happy, it doesn't really cross your mind.
Once I got into middle school is when things started to really change. Can't you remember how much I loved playing basketball, soccer, and baseball? And not only did I love it, but I was pretty good at all of them.. except maybe soccer haha. But at that age, I was no longer allowed to play with the boys. That's why I quit. I didn't want to play sports with girls, I knew I was better than all of them, and besides, I genuinely enjoyed playing with the guys. This is also the age where everyone in school, all of the girls, started caring sooo much about boys, woo hoo how exciting! Dances, and skate nights and movie dates.. and of course, I wanted to be a part of all of this. So it was time for a change. I was a girl, that's what everyone said, and of course, that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror so why would I think any differently? I didn't want to be a weirdo, or an outcast, I wanted to fit in with my friends so I can remember mom taking me to the girls clothes store by Lester's in Gig Harbor and I picked out my first pair of girls jeans, along with girls shirts and sweaters and even a pair of girls khakis. From this point on I wanted to be liked just as much as any other girl in school.. I wanted to fit in.
So naturally, having the great personality and amazing sense of humor that I do (thanks to you! haha ;), I was fitting in just fine in school but I was most of the time miserable with myself. I missed Bruce, and Niki, and Mark, and all my buddies that no longer wanted to be my friend because I was a girl and they had new, cooler, guy friends now. I think as time went on I adjusted, and went into high school I became more and more comfortable with being "myself" or who I thought I was. But during this time as I am sure you probably know, I was basically addicted to being on the internet. I lived an alternate life online, I lied to everyone I "knew" and told them I was a guy. Please understand, I didn't fully understand or get why I was doing what I was doing at the time, but looking back, I can imagine that this was my escape. This was not me lying but my chance to be myself, and be treated the way I wanted to be treated by others.
I guess you could say at one point in my adolescent life, sometime in my senior year, in an attempt to join my online life and my real life, I finally told Mandy that I was actually a girl.. and at the same time I told all of my school friends that I was dating a girl, and therefore I must be a lesbian. I have NEVER been comfortable saying "I am a lesbian." Ew. It just doesn't sound right. But hey.. this was my thought process: I've tried dating guys and it doesn't work. I've been a tomboy my whole life. I am physically attracted to girls. I'm a girl, unfortunately. I must be gay! So for a while I felt like I was finally coming into my own, Mandy accepted me for who I was, and my friends acted as if they already knew I was gay before I even told them, so I was finally comfortable. For a while.
But still, every single day I hope I wake up tomorrow in a different body. Although, 28 years now... I'm kinda sensing it's not going to happen. Throughout the years, in getting to know and talk to the different girls I have dated, and different girls I have met that refer to themselves as "lesbian" or "gay" there are virtually none that have the same outlook and feeling as I do. A lesbian is comfortable being female, with another female. It may sound ridiculous coming from me... but I do not necessarily think that this is an ideal or functional relationship. Which is why I have battled in my own mind for so long about how I can have the feelings I have, and live the life that I live. But I am, and I do. I'm here, living, breathing, and I feel the way that I feel.
For a long time I felt lost, wondering, am I really the only lesbian in the world that just wishes they could have been born a male so they could live a regualr life and have a family, and their male friends, and the responsibility and all the negatives and positives that come with being a guy? And then one day, my mind was blown. I don't even know what it was, but there was a special on TV about this short redhead guy named Trevor. Trevor was transgender. I didn't even know what that meant, but I knew that Trevor was on a testosterone hormone replacement therapy and he was born a female. This was so interesting to me. I was literally hearing that my dream of waking up in a different body could possibly be true. To me, that means I can finally look like myself. All of my thought cards started falling into place and things were making a little bit more sense.
Being transgender is completely different than being gay. I know now that the issues I was having within myself were not about my sexual preference but about my gender orientation. I wish you could understand what it's like to wake up every day and feel like you are being fake to everyone. I just want you both to know that it's not a "choice" ya know, nobody decides to live a crappy life where they constantly feel awkward and like they can't be seen as themselves, even around people that love them. I have known for quite a while now that I'm not a lesbian, I'm not gay, I'm not a homosexual. I'm a heterosexual male. I have actually been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder which basically means I was born in the wrong body. It's hard to tell you this because I don't know how you're going to react. I don't want you to be mad or to think you are to blame in any way. I know deep down that I was born this way. There's nothing that could have changed it.
I'm writing this letter to you both to ask for your acceptance, and support. I need your help to continue on my journey. I don't want you to think you are losing a child, but merely a habit. I just want you to see me as your son, Tyler. You are simply replacing a name with a name, and "daughter" with "son". It's still me. I'm the same person. And I think in time you will realize that (birth name) is not the right name for your first SON anyway.
I love you both, and I don't want this to be something that we just sweep under the rug and not talk about. If you have anything you want to say, or ask me, please do.
Love your son,
Tyler
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