So, I have now been on hormone replacement therapy long enough for a woman to get pregnant, go through three trimesters, and give birth. Which, when you put it that way, seems like a long time. in 9 months a tiny little human being can be created... and I still can't grow a damn beard. I'm frustrated. Not only because I don't have a beard, but because my voice still does not always pass as male 100% of the time, and that being mixed with my chubby-baby face, is enough for a second glance and a second thought, which sometimes (more often than I am happy about) results in a "she," or "her." Not to mention, I am still running into people that may not know yet, or may have only vaguely heard about the fact that I no longer wish to be referred to by my old name, or pronouns, which is so frustrating, annoying, and draining. I'm sick of saying the same shit over and over again, and I'm sick of people either 1. not understanding the concept, or 2. understanding, but not willing to comply. I seriously get people that will say something like "*OLD NAME*!!! ...sorry, you'll always be *old name* to me." And I just want to say, "well then I'm sorry, you are now and will always be dead to me." I don't understand how it is so hard for people to see it as a form of respect. RESPECT ME. I try to be as respectful as I can to others, and I really feel like I deserve it back, is that too much to ask for? Apparently, yes.
I had a conversation with my mom the other night, and she was talking about one of her customers, and how they were inquiring about how her "daughter" is doing, out in Ohio. This tells me several things:
-My parents must not ever talk about me
-If they do talk about me, they aren't really talking about "me," which feels just the same as never being talked about
-My family is ashamed/embarassed to come out and tell their friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc. about having a transgender child
-I can't blame them, I would feel awkward/embarassed/etc if I were in their shoes
-My family loves me unconditionally, so I know it's not that they are ashamed of ME, but they have a strong want and need to be accepted by others, as do I (which is why I can't blame them) and they don't want to put themselves in a situation to jeopardize or compromise their work relationships, friend relationships, neighborhood relationships, etc.
After she said her customer asked about me, she went on to say that this lady asked if I had a boyfriend, in reply, my mom told her that I in fact, have a girlfriend. She said this lady instantly became uncomfortable and awkward and ended the conversation quickly by changing the subject. And this is her reaction, assuming I was a female, with another female. Which is obviously why my mom did not continue on telling her that I was not gay, but transgender. I usually keep most of my feelings to myself, but in this case, I decided to put my two cents out there, and tell my mom how frustrating it is for me, to be more or less, left in the dark. They never get to boast about me, or talk about my accomplishments, or how my life is going, or what I have been doing with any of the people they know because they don't want questions to arise. I just hate being on the back burner. My brother is talked about all the time, everyone that knows my parents know quite a bit about Tim, a minimal amount about *old name*, but know nothing about Tyler. I wonder if, or when this will ever change? =/
I didn't even make a video this month, I don't see much of a reason. No new changes have come other than I have a large amount of facial hair coming in... out of my nostrils! lol.
Merry Christmas everyone, and happy New Year! I will update again in January...
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