Slacker 101

This blog sheds a lot of light on just how much of a slacker I am, or procrastinator. Or maybe a little of both (or a lot of both.) I have to defend myself and say, I have made 2-3 videos during this 4 month hiatus, and I've attempted to upload them, on several occasions. But I've been in a sort of slump when it comes to talking about, or getting excited about my transition lately. It's a little to do with an encounter I had with my younger brother shortly after our family vacation in April, where I spent some time with Amber, my mom, dad, brother, and his girlfriend in Chicago with a lot of our extended family. It also may subconsciously have to do with the fact that I posted this blog on my facebook to celebrate my one year on T video with friends and family, and now I'm aware/fearful that anyone at any time can look this up and read my feelings, at their own convenience. Not that I'm afraid to express my true self, I think it's just that now I am more cautious of what I will say/write here, which in turn, leaves me with not much to say at all.

On that note, however, I feel it is time for an update! Today's July 5th, a day after America's day of Independence, happy birthday America. I had a nice, relaxing weekend. Amber and I stayed local and watched the Madison County firework show here in London, from my work. I got eaten alive by mosquitoes in the 20 mins we were outside near the brush, haha. I guess I have sweet blood?

Since this is a blog to track my transition, I feel I should at least touch base and state some changes in the last 4 months. My facial hair is definitely still progressing... but still rather slowly. My legs are hairy as hell, along with my forearms, back, etc. Hair everywhere! I feel like most physical changes are coming closer to a plateau, and now the things I notice more often are internal, thoughts and feelings. My voice has deepened slightly still, I believe. You can be the judge of that, here's a video.

So now, a month later, August 5th. Maybe I will actually post this update. I logged in to make a post, and found that I still had a draft from a month ago that I never posted. Which goes to show, I really have been reluctant to post anything on here, and I'm still not sure why. I guess I've just bee caught up with living instead of just blogging about it, which I won't apologize for. So finally, here is a video.

ONE YEAR

Wow, I can't believe one year has already come and gone.. time sure does fly! I spent all Sunday this past weekend working on my "one year video" and I was so happy. Just to think, for so many years I have been sitting at my computer, or looking at my phone, watching other guys "one year video"'s and thinking "God, I can't wait till I can say I have been on T for a year." And now here I am, posting my very own video. That in itself feels like such an accomplishment. So, here it is.... my one year on testosterone video :]

Eleven Months

ONE MONTH vs. ELEVEN MONTHS

Eleven months!! I can't believe I'm so close to the one year mark. It's really bittersweet, to think that just a year ago my life was so much different. I woke up this morning like any other morning, I took a shower and brushed my teeth, and shaved my face. I shaved my face because I actually HAD to.. and I thought; this is fucking great. haha. Seriously. It's the little things. I listened to my voice comparisons from last year till now and WOW, what a change. I'm happy I can look back and see a difference, finally.



So I know I said it before, but this year I really do want to put more focus and emphasis on being healthy, and active. Now that I'm actually seeing my physical changes, I have noticed more of a "connection" with my body. I feel like for most of my life I have disassociated my mind from my body, I never thought much about it, or even looked at it, because honestly, it's always disgusted me. I've never been interested in trying to gain muscle or lose fat because I've always had in the back of my mind, "no matter how much you work at looking better, you'll still look horrible." But that feeling is slowly drifting away, each time I look down and see my leg muscles flexing as I'm tying my shoe, or I walk by a mirror and see my neck muscles are clearly different than they used to be, a smile comes to my face as I am slowly getting used to the man I see. But now I'm feeling self conscious in a different way, for the first time I feel responsible for being weak, and for being fat, instead of being strong and fit, and I want to change that. I have let myself get so comfortable with the idea that "it's not my fault" because I was stuck with an outer shell that I could not make fit me no matter how hard I tried, and I really need to work on getting myself out of that mind set. I want to take ownership of myself, mind, and body; and I am not very happy with the body I own. Not because of the origination, but because like I said a moment ago, I am weak, and fat, and that doesn't look good on me haha. So here's to trying again. I can admit I failed, and I want to commit to being healthy and active again. :]



And of course, here's a video....

Since next month will be ONE YEAR I plan to post measurements again to compare to a year ago... exciting! haha ;]

10 and 3/4 Months on T

Wow have I been slacking on updating this blog! I don't know why, I just seem to always get writers block when attempting an update. I have to say, there really hasn't been much positive to write about the past few months. Not that things have been horrible, I have just been feeling slightly down lately. And I know it is definitely transition related. I'm not happy with how slowly my changes are progressing. I'm still being misgendered, I'm still being looked down on, and looked passed. I am assuming that without even knowing it, I was banking on the fact that every single issue or problem I have had in life was without a doubt somehow related to or blamed on the fact that I was female. I'm beginning to think that is wrong. That simply letting the world know "hey, I'm a fucking GUY" is not enough to solve every problem. Because here I am, coming up on one full year of being on hormone replacement therapy, one full year of living openly as male, with a male name, and I still don't feel like the world sees me for me. I see myself in the mirror every day, and I don't feel that I look much different either. I do sound different, but also, to me, I have always been me. I don't see many changes because I have always seen the man underneath, but I don't understand how others don't see the changes, which makes me think they aren't happening, or at least not fast enough, or as drastically as I had hoped for. I'm so sick of dealing with the misgender assigning comments that come my way on a day to day basis, and even the people that say and act like "they get it" will surprise me out of nowhere with an off the wall comment or remark that just makes me think, "what the fuck, you do NOT get it, clearly." On one hand at the end of the day, I say fuck everyone, I don't care what they think or say about me. But on the other hand, I really do care what people think or say about me. I want to be accepted. Actually, I don't only want to be accepted, I want to be looked up to. I want to be someone that someone else wants to be for a change.

9 Month Update, no video, just me rambling

So, I have now been on hormone replacement therapy long enough for a woman to get pregnant, go through three trimesters, and give birth. Which, when you put it that way, seems like a long time. in 9 months a tiny little human being can be created... and I still can't grow a damn beard. I'm frustrated. Not only because I don't have a beard, but because my voice still does not always pass as male 100% of the time, and that being mixed with my chubby-baby face, is enough for a second glance and a second thought, which sometimes (more often than I am happy about) results in a "she," or "her." Not to mention, I am still running into people that may not know yet, or may have only vaguely heard about the fact that I no longer wish to be referred to by my old name, or pronouns, which is so frustrating, annoying, and draining. I'm sick of saying the same shit over and over again, and I'm sick of people either 1. not understanding the concept, or 2. understanding, but not willing to comply. I seriously get people that will say something like "*OLD NAME*!!! ...sorry, you'll always be *old name* to me." And I just want to say, "well then I'm sorry, you are now and will always be dead to me." I don't understand how it is so hard for people to see it as a form of respect. RESPECT ME. I try to be as respectful as I can to others, and I really feel like I deserve it back, is that too much to ask for? Apparently, yes.

I had a conversation with my mom the other night, and she was talking about one of her customers, and how they were inquiring about how her "daughter" is doing, out in Ohio. This tells me several things:
-My parents must not ever talk about me
-If they do talk about me, they aren't really talking about "me," which feels just the same as never being talked about
-My family is ashamed/embarassed to come out and tell their friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc. about having a transgender child
-I can't blame them, I would feel awkward/embarassed/etc if I were in their shoes
-My family loves me unconditionally, so I know it's not that they are ashamed of ME, but they have a strong want and need to be accepted by others, as do I (which is why I can't blame them) and they don't want to put themselves in a situation to jeopardize or compromise their work relationships, friend relationships, neighborhood relationships, etc.

After she said her customer asked about me, she went on to say that this lady asked if I had a boyfriend, in reply, my mom told her that I in fact, have a girlfriend. She said this lady instantly became uncomfortable and awkward and ended the conversation quickly by changing the subject. And this is her reaction, assuming I was a female, with another female. Which is obviously why my mom did not continue on telling her that I was not gay, but transgender. I usually keep most of my feelings to myself, but in this case, I decided to put my two cents out there, and tell my mom how frustrating it is for me, to be more or less, left in the dark. They never get to boast about me, or talk about my accomplishments, or how my life is going, or what I have been doing with any of the people they know because they don't want questions to arise. I just hate being on the back burner. My brother is talked about all the time, everyone that knows my parents know quite a bit about Tim, a minimal amount about *old name*, but know nothing about Tyler. I wonder if, or when this will ever change? =/

I didn't even make a video this month, I don't see much of a reason. No new changes have come other than I have a large amount of facial hair coming in... out of my nostrils! lol.

Merry Christmas everyone, and happy New Year! I will update again in January...

8 Month Update

Every time I make an attempt to start writing an excerpt for this blog, I come down with a severe case of writers block. It seems that day to day I think of millions of things to blog about, transition related or not, but when it comes time to actually type it out I can't remember a single thing that I want to actually put in a blog to remember forever.

 

It's mid November, winter finally showed up in Ohio today. No snow yet but within the next several days we are expected to get some, yay. (Sarcasm.) Although, I am a little excited, I will get to try out my new 4WD! =) So, I have now officially been on T for 8 months and to be honest, when I look at my comparison pictures (from March till now) I really don't see a difference, other than my hair cut. Is it just me? Is it because I see myself every day, that I cannot see the slight changes? No one else has mentioned or brought up anything in these past 8 months to make me think that they have noticed either. It's disappointing. Especially because there are other guys that have been on T for a less amount of time that already have a full face of hair, or their voice is deeper, or they just seem more manly, if that makes sense. I'm at the point where I feel jealous, but on the other hand I feel fortunate. I guess all I have is time, so there is no need to rush the progression. If it's meant to be, it will be. Or at least, that is what I keep telling myself to keep from going crazy.

 

 

So of course, here is my comparison pics, and here is a new video. Enjoy!

 



8 MONTHS                          DAY 1             

 

 



 

Seven Month Update... it's been a while!

I know, I know, it has been a LONG time since I have updated here! I still made a few videos since the last blog post, I have just been so busy with work lately it's been a little ridiculous. Last month was my birthday, 29 years old, wow. Time sure does fly, it still feels like just a day or 2 ago I started T and it's already been 7 and a half months! I am finally starting to grow noticeable chin hairs (yay!) and leg hair is still coming in more and more every day. I've also noticed my voice drop again within the last month or 2. I've also been gaining weight (not the good weight) which sucks, that is one side affect I'm not too happy about hah. Oh well, I really just need to get my lazy ass back into working out and I'm sure I can lose it quickly. Also I have noticed within the past couple months, I have been experiencing horrible headaches. Not sure if it is T related or could just be the changing of seasons and temperatures and whatnot. I just wanted to note that so I can reflect on it in my next update..


*Non-transition related update: I bought a new truck!! B-day gift to myself that I'll be paying for for the next 6 years haha, but I'm super happy with it. #upgrade

Alright, here's a video.